The Perfectly Bad Date
by Misaia
Summary: In which Thor takes Loki on a date and manages to make a mess of everything. Loki finds that he doesn't mind. Thor/Loki PWP, well, there is a slight plot now, I guess. Crosspost from AO3


Crosspost from AO3, Written to Definitely Maybe - FM Static

**A/N: on AO3, this is actually part of a series that was originally meant to be read only as PWP oneshots, but it seems like it's turned itself into a story when I wasn't looking...**

* * *

Loki had been terribly amused when Thor had informed him that there was going to be a movie made about him. Well, not about him, necessarily, but he played a very big role in it. Loki had been slightly less amused by the fact that Thor had told him this during his spanking, just saying it in between slaps with that casual, idiotic nonchalance that infuriated Loki to no end.

"I got a ticket for you," Thor said, holding out a measly slip of paper in supplication afterwards. "I brought it back with the vibrator. I sincerely hope you will attend with me?"

Loki frowned and winced as he sat up - his bottom was still really rather tender, Thor could hit incredibly hard, not that Loki was complaining - and snatched the paper from Thor's fingers. His quick green eyes scanned the printed words before he snorted and laid the paper on the nightstand by his side of the bed.

"You want me to go see a movie with you. A movie that bears your name. And this is apparently the second installment."

"Yes, exactly right," Thor said, beaming as he slid up next to his brother and drew him into his arms for a cuddle. Loki squirmed a little bit, but both of them knew that he was only protesting because of some skewed sense of dignity that had flown out the window Thor had first laid a palm on his bottom and had only returned immediately after the sordid deed. "I would enjoy that very much."

"Would you make it a proper outing?" Loki inquired. "I seem to recall you promising that before that horrid film you took me to watch with you. You know the one, the one with the rodents or dogs or something like that, and the island, and the girl -"

Thor squeezed him tightly, rocking back and forth slightly. "I would wish for you not to mention that feature, brother. It was truly terrifying, I must admit."

Loki laughed again. "For such a 'big, strong warrior,' you are frightened rather easily. Perhaps I ought to condition you, it would not do for you to sit on the throne of Asgard and continuously be frightened by the closest thing that growls at you. I have plenty of horror novels and paraphernalia that I think you ought to read, some of them are actually very well done."

"I would not be able to sleep," Thor muttered into Loki's hair. "I require sleep to function, unlike some other princes I know."

Loki rolled his eyes and huffed, leaning over Thor to extinguish the bedside candlelight. The candles hissed out, shrouding the room in soft shadow, the only light coming from the wintry half-moon high in the sky.

Loki pulled the covers up to his neck and cuddled up to Thor's side again, grateful once more for Thor's innate ability to produce heat like a furnace. Thor obliged him by wrapping a strong arm around his shoulders, drawing him closer so he could feel Thor's chest rising and falling in time with his own.

After a moment, when Thor was sure Loki had fallen asleep, Loki muttered something that he didn't quite catch.

"What was that, dearest?" he asked, admiring the way the silvery moonlight cast shadows across the planes of Loki's face.

"An outing, then? I was promised that," Loki mumbled, not opening his eyes.

"But of course, Loki. I shall take you on an outing. It will be the best outing you have ever had."

Loki giggled, the sound sleepy and breathless, and Thor found himself falling in love all over again. "I very much look forward to it."

* * *

Thor spent the entirety of the next day puzzling over what he would take Loki to do in two days on their outing.

When he turned to Sif for help after she'd clocked him right in the mouth, she arched an eyebrow at him and asked him if he was alright. When he confirmed that indeed he was, she doubled over with laughter. She straightened slightly, took another look at his face, which hadn't lost its half-serious, half-bemused look - and began laughing again. Thor was considering packing her off to the healing ward, perhaps he'd smacked her in the head too hard, he didn't know his own strength sometimes.

"Oh, oh, Thor," she said, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. "The mighty Thor," - here she did a rather impressive deep voice which he assumed was supposed to be him - "bedder of many wenches, is asking me for help on how to woo someone?"

Sif giggled a bit more before finally catching her breath and standing up straight to face him. "Still Loki, is it?" she asked inquisitively. "That is rather impressive. How many centuries has it been now? Almost a millennium, isn't it?"

Thor nodded. "It shall be a millennium in a few moons' time."

Sif smiled. "That is fantastic, truly it is. I am sincerely happy for you. I'm rather impressed you've managed to stay with anybody, let alone Loki, for this long. A rather difficult feat."

Thor grinned. "He does get on my nerves quite a lot, but I am glad for it. But back to the matter at hand, what should I do for this outing?"

Sif frowned in thought, furrowing her brow and chewing at her lower lip. Thor looked at her helplessly. When she didn't respond for the better part of five minutes, Thor asked in desperation, "What would you like to do if a beau took you on an outing?"

She eyed him. "I am no Loki, as I am sure you are well aware. But if you insist upon asking, I would enjoy it if this...beau took me on an adventure, preferably something involving dragons and fighting and decapitation and -"

As Sif talked, her eyes grew more and more animated, and her hand gestures became exceedingly wilder and she grew more excited. Thor tuned her out after a while; if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that Loki most certainly would not enjoy an outing that began with dragons and ended with bloody feasting and celebration amidst the corpses of enemies.

* * *

The Warriors Three were no better.

Fandral suggested almost the exact same thing as Sif, with a troll variant, and not for the first time Thor wondered why they hadn't engaged in courting yet.

Volstagg suggested feasting. A lot of feasting. But Loki didn't eat much, Thor argued, he liked books and reading and gardening and stuff like that. Volstagg looked at Thor, and told him that feasting could drive those instincts out of his brother.

And Hogun looked at Thor, and merely shrugged at him.

* * *

Heimdall just stared at Thor, and slowly shook his head, either in disapproval or in confusion. Thor wondered if Heimdall remembered the vibrator, decided that he most certainly did, and left in a hurry.

* * *

The ladies of the Asgardian high court tittered at him as he asked them, and many of them didn't even bother looking up from their embroidery. Idunn was the only one who bothered to suggest anything at all.

"Perhaps," she told Thor as she drew him into her gardens, "you ought to take Loki for a nice meal before your film. I think he might enjoy that."

Thor nodded, deep in thought as Idunn expounded on the merits of seafood versus red meat versus poultry. He honestly wasn't sure what Loki's favourite food was, his brother was rather fond of stuffing his face with sweet things, he knew that much...But sweet things didn't make a meal, did they? No, surely not...

Perhaps sushi.

"Oh, and Thor?" Idunn said, breaking him from his thoughts. "It is a date, not an outing."

"Of course, Lady Idunn," Thor said, bowing and thanking her for her wisdom.

* * *

Odin just glared viciously at Thor, and Thor felt suitably cowed. Ever since his father had lost his eye, every look he gave anybody seemed to be a fierce glare. Thor knew his father was probably feeling rather neutral about everything at the present moment, but that didn't make him feel any better about it.

"Father, what ought I to do with Loki for a date?" Thor asked, feeling the small child again.

Odin harrumphed, sounding very much like an elephant, and Thor had to resist the wild urge to giggle. That surely wouldn't have been good.

"Womenfolk like you to bring them things on dates," Odin muttered into his beard. "Jewelry, trinkets, plants, things like that."

And that was all Thor would get out of his father on that subject.

* * *

Frigga smiled kindly at her eldest son as he burst into Asgardian Story Time. The children switched their attention to him, and Thor, guilt tripped by nineteen pairs of round eyes, got on the floor and was obligated to act out not only Papa Bear's voice, but also Mama Bear's - a high falsetto that would leave his throat achy - and Baby Bear's as well. The children laughed and clapped gleefully when he was done.

Once the children had departed the hall to go outside and play maidens and monsters with the Warriors Three and Sif, Frigga turned to her son. "Yes, dear? What do you need help with?"

"I wish to take Loki on a date," Thor said, plunking himself down next to his mother on the floor. "What ought I to do?"

Frigga looked at him reproachfully. "Surely a millennium must have been enough to tell you what Loki likes and does not like."

Thor had the good graces to blush. "I do know what he likes, but...not in that regard," he muttered, his face flaming. "Much of the millennium has been spent in...in..."

"In your bedchambers, yes, I am aware," Frigga said, smiling slyly at Thor, and Thor wanted to hide his face in his hands. "Alas, Thor, a relationship is like a plant. It needs to be watered, pruned, trimmed delicately, all of which you cannot do from your bed. Speaking of which, shall I have grandchildren any time soon? I am not getting any younger, dearest."

Thor thought of tiny little feet pattering down the stone halls of the castle, and smiled to himself. Gold ringlets and emerald eyes - Loki had never gotten around to teaching Thor about genetics.

"Not quite yet, Mother," Thor said. "Perhaps sometime. I am not sure yet."

Thor and Frigga sat quietly for a moment, listening to the sounds of the children's delightful shrieking outside. Thor wondered idly what it would be like to have one of his very own, and thought it might not be so bad.

"At any rate," Frigga continued, "Loki rather enjoys orchids. They are a Midgardian flower, somewhat difficult to grow. They are tall things that are usually twined around sticks and come in multitudes of colours. I believe it would be wise if you were to give Loki said flowers before your date. It is a Midgardian custom, as I have heard, and something I personally find rather romantic. Your father, on the other hand, was of the opinion that if he gave me anything, it would be the scales or horns or teeth of a mighty beast he had slain. Something about masculinity," she said with a twinkle in her eye.

"Lady Idunn told me I ought to bring him to a meal," Thor said, wondering if he would remember the orchids. "I was thinking of sushi, it is raw Midgardian fish and is supposedly a delicious luxury."

Frigga smiled and patted her son's head. "Lady Idunn is very correct in saying that. I do think that is a fantastic idea, and I am sure Loki would enjoy that very much."

Thor beamed at his mother and hugged her, and Frigga smiled into her son's shoulder, even as the story book got smushed between them.

"And for heaven's sake," she said into her son's shoulder, "would you mind dressing nicely. You want to do this right. I've seen those Midgardian clothes you wear. Horrid." She pulled back and kissed Thor's forehead. "Suits, dear. Suits."

* * *

The day that the movie was to take place, Thor begged Loki's leave and told him he would meet him later. Loki looked somewhat disgruntled, but agreed reluctantly, and Thor pressed kisses in between his brother's knuckles as he departed.

* * *

Thor was overwhelmed by the scent of a host of different flowers and plants as he entered the florist's.

He desperately tried to remember what his mother had said about flowers; they came in lots of colours, but everything in this place seemed to come in a lot of colours. Had his mother said something about sticks? Or was that Sif, who'd mentioned using clubs as a preferred method of beating?

And then there were all the different colours. Green flowers seemed to be out of the question, and he doubted Loki would be impressed with a fern.

"They're having a sale on lavender roses!" a woman next to him said eagerly to her friend beside her. "And you know what that means," she said with a laugh. Thor had absolutely no idea what that meant, but figured it must have been something good.

"I hope he gets those for me," she said with a sigh before turning away to examine something else.

Thor went up to the cashier with a bundle of lavender roses in his arms. The cashier smiled at him.

"For someone special?" she asked as she de-thorned the roses and wrapped them in a white ribbon and placed the whole bundle in a new plastic sheet.

Thor nodded. "For somebody I love very much."

The cashier handed him his flowers. "They're very lucky," she said, with another smile, and as Thor left the shoppe, he couldn't help but think that he was the lucky one.

* * *

"Has anyone ever told you you have shoulders like an ox?" the tailor grumbled as he walked around Thor for the umpteenth time. "I don't even know if we'll have any suit jackets that'll fit you without you bursting the stitches."

"I'm very sorry about this," Thor said, slightly abashed. "It's a very special night and I have to dress up for it."

"Of course, of course," the tailor said, waving his hand dismissively. "Perhaps instead of a suit you wouldn't be averse to a vest?"

He brought out a selection of deep blue vests and helped Thor put one on over his plain white dress shirt. He folded the lapels of Thor's shirt down, creasing them sharply, and stepped back, looking up at him critically.

"There, don't you look a sight," he said, nodding towards the full length mirror in front of them. Thor had to admit he did look rather nice. Dapper, his mother might have said.

The tailor looked down at Thor's jeans critically before sighing deeply. "If I can find a pair of slacks that fit your waist, I'll believe there's a God," he muttered as he took out his tape measure once more.

* * *

Loki smiled at Thor as Thor rushed to the top of the Avengers Tower to greet him, flowers in hand. Loki looked wonderfully dashing himself, wearing a grey and green argyle sweater vest that complimented his eyes over a plain white dress shirt much like Thor's. His silvery tie was knotted perfectly around his neck, and Thor wondered where he'd learnt to tie one like that. He hadn't been able to get the hang of it for the life of him, and so had forgone one. And Loki was wearing dark jeans that clung deliciously to his thighs, and for a moment Thor wondered if he would have time to make love to his brother before dinner, but figured Loki might not appreciate rumpling his clothes.

He handed Loki the bouquet of lavender roses shyly. "For you," he said, looking hopefully at Loki.

Loki smiled and accepted them graciously. "They are lovely," he said, breathing in the roses' soft scent. "Thank you very much."

* * *

As Loki cut the flowers' stems and put them in a vase of water on Thor's nightstand in the Tower, his hand brushed the stems and came back unscathed. No thorns.

Loki wondered if Thor knew what it meant. Dethorned lavender roses. Probably not, Thor had been quite unable to tell a thistle from a dandelion when they were children.

Love at first sight, enchantment.

And Loki hated the smell of roses, thought they were tacky, but he smiled at the flowers and thought that he might try his hand at growing some when they got home.

* * *

Thor reached across the back seat of the cab and covered Loki's hand with his own, stroking the top of Loki's thumb gently.

Loki smiled and let Thor hold his hand as he rattled off an address to the cabbie. He watched out the darkened window at the soft blur of streetlights and neon signs as they passed them, and flipped his hand over to lace his fingers with Thor's.

* * *

Thor was dismayed to see that the sushi restaurant he had reserved for tonight was closed. The lanterns that had looked so pretty outside the restaurant in the website were off, extinguished, and swung limply in the biting November breeze. Loki shivered beside him, and Thor would have offered him a jacket, but he didn't have a jacket. And the cab had already driven off into the next universe, so there was no getting that back.

Well, there was the very likely possibility Thor had gotten completely confused. The person who'd picked up the phone when he'd called had had a very thick accent, and kept shouting something in another language at him.

"Why don't we go there," Loki suggested, pointing across the street to a brightly lit place with neon signs all over it. Thor looked at his brother dubiously. It wasn't fancy, it wasn't exotic, but Loki smiled up at him and pulled him across the street.

* * *

Thor had eaten at that particular diner so many times that the waitresses knew him by name, and gave him and Loki mugs of coffee, teasing him about the first time he'd come in and loudly clamored for "Another!" after smashing the cup on the tile floor.

Thor smiled at Loki as Loki ate a sandwich, the bread crisping between his thin fingers. He watched the smooth curve of Loki's throat as he swallowed, watched his elegant fingers fold a paper napkin into a perfect square before dabbing at the corners of his lovely mouth precisely and neatly.

Thor was, in fact, so enamored with the sight of Loki eating that he didn't notice the drops of mayonnaise that spilled from the corner of his own sandwich to drip onto his dark blue vest.

* * *

In the diner bathroom fifteen minutes later, Loki patted at his cheeks and wondered if the oil from the food he'd just eaten would affect his skin in any way.

Thor, meanwhile, was desperately trying to scrub away the stain on his vest and only making it worse.

Loki looked at his brother in the cracked mirror and rolled his eyes with a smile before snapping his fingers, just once, and removing the stain easily.

Thor returned the smile easily, and pressed a kiss to Loki's cheek as thanks.

* * *

The theater was packed with people of all ages, from small children wearing Thor armour and mini Loki coats, to elderly couples with walkers. Loki frowned at a small child who capered about in his little green coat, cackling in delight, disgruntled by the unflattering cut and cheapness of the material. Thor only laughed, and clasped Loki's hand in his own.

* * *

Thor had to admit that the actors they had hired for the movie were spot on. The actor the director had chosen to play Loki was wiry and pulled off the smile and laugh perfectly. The resemblance was uncanny, and while Loki's actor could have been a tad more built up in the chest and abdomen, Thor occasionally found himself questioning whether or not Loki had actually had an active part in the making of the movie.

When they introduced Jane Foster into the movie, Loki snorted and folded his arms over his chest like a small child. Thor smiled helplessly; though he and Jane hadn't been affiliated for quite a while, it was one of those things Loki had grown to be oddly jealous about. It was endearing, really, and Thor turned his attention back to the movie.

Until, of course, Loki dropped his hand into Thor's lap and met his curious gaze with a wicked grin of his own.

The theater fell into dimness as movie Thor and movie Loki had a conversation, and Thor was interested in the movie, really he did want to see what Midgardians made of him, but he was driven to distraction by the warmth of Loki's hand pulling him out of his slacks.

Loki's hand was sinfully soft, without any calluses or scrapes on his palm, and Thor bit his lip to stop himself from moaning as Loki gently stroked him to hardness. He was grateful they were in the very back row of the theatre, many of the children were seated in the front to have the best view possible and they really didn't need to see this and where did Loki learn that thing...?

Loki worried the head of Thor's now-weeping cock with his thumb, swiping it across the flushed skin and gathering fluid. Thor watched, his mouth dry, no longer paying attention to the screen, as Loki removed his hand and pushed his thumb into his mouth. He rolled his thumb around, and Thor could only imagine the way his tongue stroked over the flesh, tasting, savoring.

"Loki," he whispered, "is this really appropriate...?"

Loki turned his face to whisper into Thor's ear. "I've seen people do it in some Midgardian movies."

And Thor only has the briefest of seconds to wonder what Midgardian movies Loki has been watching, exactly, before Loki takes the opportunity to quickly lift the armrest and dip down.

Loki's warm mouth wrapped itself around Thor's cock, and Loki did something absolutely sinful that has Thor coughing into the crook of his elbow in a failed attempt to stifle a gasp. Loki dipped down in irregular patterns, and Thor curled his fingers into Loki's dark hair, tugging and pushing, unsure whether he wanted Loki to stop or continue.

On screen, Malekith's actor harrumphed and bellowed something that Thor couldn't hear for the way his heart was beating in his ears. Loki laughed, maybe at something the actor had said, and the vibrations traveled up his throat and ran the length of Thor's erection, and Thor groaned deep in his chest. Loki did that thing again, pulling back and tracing something into the head of Thor's cock with his tongue, worrying at the slit, before lowering himself down again and taking Thor all the way into his throat, pressing his nose into the coarse patch of blonde curls at its base.

Loki swallowed, and it took all of Thor's willpower not to shout as the pleasure raced up his spine and clouded his eyes. His fingers tightened against Loki's scalp unconsciously, and Loki lifted up a slim hand to untangle them slightly.

Loki dragged himself up with just the slightest hint of teeth, sucked at Thor's head again, then let his tongue roll against the pulsating vein as he dropped back down to swallow again. Thor was really trying very hard not to make any noise, nine skies there were children here, dressed up in miniature Thor armour suits, and how might they feel if the actual person they were dressed up was doing this in the back of the theatre -

One of Loki's hands came up and gently massaged Thor's balls through the V of his unzipped slacks right as Loki swallowed again. Thor chewed viciously at the inside of his cheek, tasting blood, but it was just too much, it was really too much, and the pleasure raced up his spine in thrills and deep pulses and the knot in the pit of stomach was drawing tighter and tighter like his hands in Loki's lovely hair...

On screen, Thor's actor was cradling Loki's actor's body in his arms, and Thor sobbed as he spilled himself into Loki's mouth, his hips bucking up in short, sharp movements into warm, tight heat as he came.

Thor was half mortified when Loki pulled off him, his lips shimmering in the dim theatre lighting, his cheeks flushed, his hair mussed and rumpled. The other half of him was grateful that he'd managed to have a mood appropriate reaction, and not a laughing, roaring orgasm as he'd been known to do in the past. It would have raised some awkward questions, he was sure.

On screen, Thor's actor was talking to Odin's actor (who harrumphed and bellowed in exactly the same way the All Father did, it was rather amusing) in earnest. Loki gently tucked Thor's mostly limp cock back into his pants, ignoring the soft hiss of "Sensitive," that Thor gave him, and zipped him back up with a fond pat. As Thor's actor turned his back to the throne, and Odin morphed into someone else, the crowd gasped and Loki merely leaned over again, lifted one side of Thor's vest, and patted his lips dry.

* * *

"Did you enjoy tonight?" Thor asked later that night, as Loki lay curled up in his arms in Thor's bed at the tower. "I am truly very sorry about the restaurant, you would have liked it, I think. It was very elegant, from what Ms. Potts and the Man of Iron told me, but I must have gotten confused about what the hostess was telling me."

Loki stretched languidly, yawning. He thought about the flowers, the restaurant, the movie, about Thor's vest lying in the laundry with silvery stains on one side. He smiled.

"It was a very enjoyable date," he agreed. "Although the movie was not exactly accurate, I am much more attractive."

"To be sure," Thor agreed, pressing a kiss to the crown of Loki's head. After a few moments, he said, "Thank you very much."

"For what?" Loki asked, his voice sleepy and muffled against Thor's chest.

"For everything. Coming with me, having dinner...sucking me in the theatre." Thor said the last one with a blush on his face, and Loki must have heard the embarrassment in his voice because he laughed, and the sound reverberated through Thor's body.

"It was nice," Loki agreed. "We ought to do this more often. It's rather fun."

"Perhaps for our next date, the Midgardians will already have made a movie named for you," Thor said, stroking Loki's hair and smiling. "It will be a feature about mischief and all manner of barking plants and things that cause trouble."

Loki's breathing had started to even out and deepen as Thor talked.

"And perhaps, for our next date, I may be able to return the favour," Thor said. "Although you will have to teach me that delightfully wicked thing you do with your tongue. It is most pleasurable."

Loki fell asleep with a smile on his face.


End file.
